| day 3 : 30 posts of truth |

day 3 : something you have to forgive yourself for.

there are many mistakes i have made in life and many things done i wish i could

take back...but there is one that haunts me. it pops into my head on every good

day that i have...it's like i subconsciously want to torture

myself.

long story short to give some background - i grew up in a home that was a foster care for adults with special needs + mental illnesses. The 'residents' lived in our home with us and shared in our holidays, our mornings, our bedtime snacks + my whole life from baby until about 17. even after we moved out of the house, to our new home that was just me and my parents, i still went back there everyday. i worked there part time after school and would even go visit when i wasn't working. it felt like home. it was my first home. the only home that truly held my heart.

* picture from high school with 3 of our 6 residents.. mike (in wheel chair) just got home from weeks in the hospital. we had one house, that we lived in, and also the white house in the background on the left. both were AFC homes.*

so i have in no way prejudice or ill regard towards people with disabilities. none. ever.

on to my unforgivable. 

i went through training for a job working at respite home for children and teens with disabilities.it was

a place where parents could drop off their children for a couple hours a day to the whole day and sometimes overnights and over the weekend.. so they could get a break or some time to themselves. it was 2 weeks of training and on the last day all of the families were around and you were assigned to a child that would be yours whenever at the home. you would teach and learn and care for this child on a regular basis. my kid i was assigned to had multiple issues, was wheelchair bound and could not speak for himself. he had a computer that helped him to communicate. the last day was a fun pizza party and a huge welcoming of the new staff and children that would be experiencing the benefits + joy of this home.

i had paperwork to fill out and we all went around in a circle to say our "thank yous" and our "i look forward to this experience" comments. well, i made a mistake when filling out my paperwork and without thought said aloud "Ugh, i retardedly messed up my form!" i said that right infront of the director, the fellow staff, the families of these children that were to be in my trusting care, and infront of the boy i was assigned to. the boy who was to depend on me to love him and accept him and be his best friend. i immediately turned red, looked up and saw the director shaking her head at me. i looked all around at the faces of the parents and the other children joining the home. i couldn't believe that i made that slip. off all places. of all people! me, who grew up with other kids referring to my house as the "retard" house, the "crazy" place, the "loony" bin. me who got

made fun off all growing up because the town "crazies" lived at my house. there were parents who would not let their kids be friends with me and/or visit my house because we cared for those special individuals with needs. this is an instance that i think about on a regular basis and i have no idea if i will ever stop feeling the impact of it as if it were the first time. i try to say, "let it go - it's been YEARS!".. but i cannot. i know i need to forgive myself... maybe one day i will. until then i still find myself crying + emotional when i remember what i did, what i said and how i made those people feel especially when i was supposed to be on their team.