day one : Something you hate about yourself.
ok, so this one is sort of hard. not because it's tough to share but because it is tough to pinpoint which thing should make it on the list, giving that i can only choose one.
so i will take the one that i battle with on a daily basis which is the underlying cause of most of the other things i hate about myself : lazyness.
i am a very lazy person. i lack the motivation + drive to pursue huge life expansions + dreams...and not so huge ones like cleaning my house. i think being lazy is the worst thing i could be but yet i have to consciously force myself and fight this heavy dark cloud of void + nothingness. everyday i try to do more, i try to change + be better (in my own definition of what it means to me to improve myself).
small : my house is always cluttered + dusty + nowhere near what i want my "home" to be. therefore, i never invite people over. i never really have company. that is hard because i so long for themed dinner parties + movie nights + a table full of friends/family with which my food is warming their hearts as they feast. i want to have a holiday at my house. i want to give people the invite to stop over whenever they want + feel welcome in my cozy home as if it were theirs. that is how my mom lives her life and provided me with the idea of what a home should be. i strive to be that way. i know it's up to me and i can make it happen and it all of my own fault my life is not how i wish it to be. my own fault of lazy.
my laziness also makes me insecure - depressed - uncomfortable - shy - ashamed - defeated - overwhelmed - saddened ... it makes me long for another version of me, the one i feel i am meant to be.
it is so interesting to read this because it's just as i've been feeling for some time now. a friend of mine even told me the other day that i'm lazy! ack!
ReplyDeletei've though of joining you on your 30 days of truth but it is so intense!! i'm not sure i'm ready.. but i am totally supportive and grateful to get to know you better.